pa

the sign on the door of my procrastinators anonymous meetings said 'lets do this sometime next week'

smelly

i like seeing people sniffing deodorant sticks in the aisles of drug stores. i like the looks on their faces as they decide if they like the smell or not. i also like pretending that i can shoot lasers from my eyes but i try not to let that on.

metal detector

there's a peacefulness of seeing a lone man walk up and down the beach with his metal detector. i imagine part of the appeal comes from being out there on the beach early in the morning, alone, looking for treasure. i guess the other appeal comes from stumbling upon dead fish and dropping large rocks on them.

tiles

i was at this party once and this girl was staring at the kitchen floor. she kept saying 'i'm just one of these tiles out of all of the tiles on the floor'. i stared at the floor with her and wondered why she felt so sad. she wasn't one of the tiles. she was more than that. she was a person with thoughts, views and a giant ass.

flipper

i was in the ocean last week and I saw 2 dolphins swimming by. they seemed so peaceful and without a care in the world. i kept thinking about the dolphins for the rest of the day and how clean their assholes must be from always being in the water.

chick

i used to date this asian chick. she had a real sweet and sour tooth

truth

how fat can a bird get before it can't fly? that was how it all started your honour.

when jewish people live in the woods do they call it the schticks?

tea

i wouldn't do it for all the tea in China only because i don't have a big enough pantry.

beer

i went into the grocery store to buy beer. i picked up a case of 24. when i got to the cash the guy behind the counter said 'for the long weekend?'. 'no' i told him. 'for the love of it'.

midgets fuck em

you know that reality show about the midgets -'little people - big world'. well that show really gets on my tits. it's not the concept. i think the concept is pretty good. what bugs me is the family. their house is a fucking mess. there is shit everywhere. you figure that being so close to the ground that they'd be picking up more often.
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hobby

i'd like to make a hobby of going to job interviews but bullshitting my way through them.

interviewer -'so squirrel chaser, tell me about yourself, what you are all about'
me- 'well i learned a lot while i was in vietnam'
int- 'you travelled around vietnam?'
me' 'uuhh no, i was in the war'
int- 'the war? how old are you'
me- '33'
int-' well that would make it impossible for you to have been in the vietnam war'
me- 'are you saying that i went and did all of that for nothing, sure there were people screaming stuff but you never know who the enemy is'

another good time could be had explaining the gaps of time between jobs

interviewer 'so it says here that between sept 2002 and now you haven't been employed anywhere. what have you been doing
me- 'well i've had a few health problems that have kept me out of the workforce, i was bed ridden for 4 months'
int -'sounds serious'
me- 'yeah it was. horrible case of razor burn'
int -silence
me-' sure people come to visit you and bring you flowers and jello puppets but in the end they all want you to roll over and drop them so that they can get a look. some people are very insensitive'
int -more silence
me- 'the worst was last year. i was very sick. you know you hear doctors saying all the time that the worst place for a man to gain weight is around his waist as it can lead to numerous health problems'
int- 'yes'
me- 'well they're wrong. the worst place to gain a lot of weight is in the scrotum'
int - very very quiet
me -'lost my wife over that one. no matter how much i tried it wouldn't work'

go figure

grab a cane and a pair of dark sunglasses and you can fake being blind. throw on a pair of hearing aids and you can fake being deaf but walk into a lingerie store in a fake chicken suit made out real chicken breasts and feathers and everyone's suspicious

dream job

I always wanted to get a job working in a greenhouse. On my first day I would go in and turn off the climate control and then joke to everyone 'hey it's not like a greenhouse in here. it's like a regular room'. the
employees would all laugh and they would invite me to eat lunch with them and they would share their snacks with me. Near the end of the day I would go to the back of the greenhouse and talk to the plants and
train them to kill everyone.

random

if i had no eyebrows how would i tell fellow hostages to look up when it looks like one of the pigeons on the ledge is gonna shit.

cat

walking to the bus stop i saw this sign for a lost cat. it looked a lot like the dead cat that i saw on the side of the road last week. the cat in the picture was named 'Karma'. i'm thinking that it should be changed to 'bad Karma'.

fart

i farted and the missus said 'oh you just shat yourself'. i didn't. it was a clean fart but obviously something was lost in translation. what was a normal clean fart to me was a messy liquid shitty fart to her. this bothered me because after all of these years she still didn't know my asshole and the only way that she was going to learn was for her to hear the sound of me shitting myself.

fart

i farted and the missus said 'oh you just shat yourself'. i didn't. it was a clean fart but obviously something was lost in translation. what was a normal clean fart to me was a messy liquid shitty fart to her. this bothered me because after all of these years she still didn't know my asshole and the only way that she was going to learn was for her to hear the sound of me shitting myself.

water

i saw an ad for bottled water in a magazine and it read 'water the source of life'. why sperm didn't even get an honorable mention is a mystery to me.

dragons

dragons could breath fire but what happened when they farted?

kenya

i was walking home from work and saw these 2 little girls that had a lemonade stand . they had a sign that said 'lemonade 50 cents. we are trying to raise enough money to buy a well for a village in Kenya. help us help the world'. i thought about the sign and thought that the whole thing was a great idea. for a moment it made me feel good about the world and that people actually cared. i flipped the girls 2 dollars and grabbed a glass. it was horrible and made my teeth hurt and i began cursing the Kenyans and vowed never to buy anymore lemonade from strange smelly kids on the street or masturbate to the Oprah Winfrey show. fuck Kenya.

dream

last night i dreamt that i was the lead singer from ac/dc and i got up in front of the crowd and said 'this next song is 'you shook me all night long' and the crowd roared then i said 'it's a song about an epileptic'