AQUA VELVA

aqua velva

Dave was this big bastard
With only a couple of teeth left
To be pulled.
He told me that he had
Hung up the bottle
And the cigarettes
And that he was doing odd jobs
In the neighborhood
And some work for the church.
His brother was another story
He was frequently passed out
In the park
"I kicked him out of my place"
Dave said
"I woke up one morning
and was shaving my face
and when I put the Aqua -Velva
on my face, the shit didn't burn.
So I smelled it and it didn't smell
like anything"
"that's strange"
I told him
"yeah"
he said
'the son of a bitch had drank it"
I didn't really know what to say
So I just laughed
As Dave laughed.
'look' I told him
'I should get going, I have to get
dinner ready for the lady'
'all right' he said
and took off towards the church.

On my way home
I picked up 12 bottles of premium lager
Imported from Belgium
The label said that it was
"the most acclaimed of all Belgian beers"
it was no Aqua Velva
I thought
But it'd get the job done.

last nights dream

"God receives lifetime achievement award - thanks himself"

Jan 26 2010
Making a very rare public appearance God accepted a lifetime achievement award from "The Universal Society for All Things Bright and Beautiful". In his (sic) acceptance speech God said " I would like to thank myself for this award without my all mighty faith in myself this would not have been possible", he went on to dedicate the award to himself. God has come under recent scrutiny for his alleged role in horse race fixing. In his speech he attacked those who have spoken against him by saying "sure I could make any horse win, i could even make a giant asteroid of acid hit the earth, but I wouldn't.my intentions have always been to benefit the universe and human kind. Why do you think I make animals look so cute". When questioned about the cuteness of alligators God had no comment.

falling down

i was on my way out and as i went down our stairs i saw this lady on the road pulling herself up. as i walked over i could tell that she wasn't doing too well.
'are you ok' i asked her.
'no' she said 'i banged my head. there's black ice over there'.
i didn't know what race had to do with this but i figured her head was in a bad way.
'do you need help?' i asked. her eyes were all watery and her jacket was covered in slush.
'no, no. i think i'll be ok' she said.
'ok then' i said 'i hope you feel better'.
as i walked away i began to think about what i would have actually done if she said that she needed help. i guess i could have brought her home and made her a cup of tea and gave her a bag of frozen peas for her head. i think it would have been a very awkward situation. it's always weird having a stranger in your house and even weirder being in a strangers house. then there would have been that really awkward moment when she asked 'why do you have so many chainsaws?'

an old post

i was on the subway this morning. my head was down and into a book when all of a sudden i heard a familiar splashing sound. i turned my head and sure enough it was a girl vomitting. a real chunder. she was chunderstruck. the vomit just poured out of her. at first it was all chocolate milk but then i spotted diced tomatoes. those rumours of a tomato cereal might just be true.
i felt bad for the lass. she was obviously an inexperienced public vomitter. when round 2 hit she crouched down to reduce the splash but this one hit with good force and the shrapnel hit some shoes. i looked around and saw a few people look like they were going to add to the pile. vomit doesn't bother me so i found the whole thing rather funny and as i looked into my bag for something to give to the girl (maybe a runny egg or a rotting pigeon) she unleashed a 3rd chunder. it was massive. it was beautiful.
as the subway stopped at the station she ran out. all of us looked down at the pile. i think i nodded in approval. one man frowned. a lady sat with her hand over her mouth. when the new passengers got on they were all unaware of the giant chocolate milk and tomato vomit swamp. some stood in it squashing up the tomatoes real good. monday was off to a cracking start.

fate

out there somewhere there's a woman that finds dandruff incredibly sexy and soon she will fall madly in love with a man who shouldn't be wearing black.

nice

it's ok to say to someone 'have a nice day' or 'have a good lunch', 'have a great weekend', 'have a great night out' but as soon as you run into someone in the bathroom and you tell them 'have a good shit' you've apparently crossed some line. or so the human resources dept says.

jar

sometimes it's impossible to open the pickle jar and it's at that moment that i believe that GOD hates us for what we did to those cucumbers.

dog no dog

we were sitting around talking about the 80's when one of my friends said 'i used to see a lot of white dog shit back in the 80's but not anymore. whatever happened to white dog shit on the street'. it made me laugh. it was true. i remember seeing my fair share of white and beige colored dog shit. thats when i told him about the beige colored stick that i picked up to throw at someone and that turned out not to be a stick. it was an odd moment and for a second i thought my hands could melt wood.

ziggy

frank sinatra was known as old blue eyes but david bowie was never known as old blue eye.

details

whenever they talk about the latest space mission and all the experiments they do in space why can't they just for once go into detail about how they take a shit.

water rocks cum

if feng shui is supposed to bring balance, power and success into your life, how do they explain it when a store that specializes in feng shui goes bankrupt.

again with the confessions

many years ago i was at this bar and my and a friend were watching these people dance on the dance floor. at one point this girl who was dancing looked at me then took out a piece of paper and wrote something down. she walked over to me and handed it to me and went back to the dance floor. i looked down at it and on it she had written 'hi, what's your name'. i took the piece of paper and put it in my pocket, gave the girl a smile and then walked out. i could never date a mute.

'imagine if you were the first pregnant man' she asked me. 'I would be 2 things' I told her. 'huh' she said. 'I would be the first pregnant man and the first man to have an abortion'. the world would hate me.

why

i had a friend growing up and whenever i would go over to his house his mother would tell me to take my hat off. i used to wear a backwards baseball hat all the time. his mother thought it was wrong to wear a hat in the house. the weird thing was that we never had to take off our shoes.

politically correct

ear wigs are like midget lobsters. sorry i mean little lobsters.

confession

when i was 19 i had this job at a gas station. i knew fuck all about cars. they would come in and say 'fill it up and check my oil'. i would look under the hood and most of the time i couldn't find the oil stick so i would tell the driver 'yeah you are ok'. sometimes they would tip me and i would feel bad because i had lied. i was a shit gas station attendant but i lasted the entire summer. on my lunch break i used to sit outside of the car wash and watch the people in their cars as the machines washed them. sometimes depending on my mood i would pray to god and ask him to kill them.

tough world

you fix an injured bird and people call you a hero.
you drive home from the bar with your kid on the roof of the car and you're the devil.

go figure.

true

doppelganger gang bangs. it's all the rage

plants

i talk backwards to my plants so i can watch them shrink

give thanks

you never see anyone ever thank the parachute, instead they just roll it up and pack it into the backpack. That's why they don't open from time to time. they're pissed off. they do all this shit and get fuck all. like the housewife that fucks the gardener they eventually lose it. so, even though i don't parachute (or have good grammar) i'd like to thank all the parachutes of the world for having stopped people legs from going through their shoulders. i thought they needed a voice, like the whales.

memory

i have a bad memory. i wrote that down somewhere.

sale

when people are selling their homes their often bake bread or cookies when people are seeing it. apparently the fresh baked smell makes people feel like the house has a lived in and family feel to it. i'm not sure what you do if you are trying to sell a bakery.

sticker

i saw a bumper sticker that said 'a dog is for life not just for christmas'. i thought it was a very good message. i imagine that the chinese version is similiar except 'christmas' has been replaced with 'breakfast'.

80's

in the 80's the 'we are the world' song was popular. i think the words were 'we are the world. we are the children. we are the ones who make a better day so lets start giving'. i hated that fucking song. it always made me feel guilty and that i had to be doing something other than masturbating to the price is right.
back then they often ran commercials on tv for starving children in africa. they always stressed that what they needed was money to buy food but when i saw the commercials i thought that they should also invest a few dollars to buy some fly swatters.