when ever i see the words 'new and improved flavour' on packaged goods my only thought is 'people thought this was shit'.

dog

As we were driving home my daughter spotted a dog on the street squatting and taking a shit. I'm not sure if it was related but a few moments later she wanted a muffin.

book

i've been reading this book on personality types. it's rather interesting. it's a tool to help you understand people and deal with different personality types. i'm hoping that the book will come in handy for my morning commute the next time I am on the jam packed subway and that if i am faced with a situation that is rather confrontational that i can diffuse it by smashing the book across someones face.

wash

i bought this body wash. their logo is 'the eye opener'. after this mornings shower experience i think they should rewrite it to 'the eye opener except when you get it in your eyes. then you will be temporarily blinded and it will burn like a salt laced q-tip in the urethra of your penis. you may scream. you may fall down and bang your head on the faucet of the shower. your dick will clog the drain and the tub will fill up eventually flooding the bathroom. the water will flood the room making the floor collapse. the tub will crash through landing in the bathroom of the downstairs neighbors who are having sex with a poodle named Gary. when you wake up you will be tied up in a cage in your neighbors basement. they will call you 'slave boy' and the only thing they will feed you is rice krispies and you hate rice krispies cause they remind you of maggots'.
that would sell a few bottles.

dose

i was looking at the new $20 bill. it has all kinds of holograms on it.
'i feel like i'm on acid' said the missus
'i am on acid' i told her
'i knew it' she said.

i didn't say a word. i pretended that i didn't hear what she said. she must have seen me have that conversation with the toilet plunger.

nozzle

i like those cake decorating nozzels. you know the kind that you put on the end of a tube of icing to make fancy icing things. sometimes i wish i had an asshole with a built in cake decorating nozzle. i could take incredibly decorative shits. i wouldn't flush them. people would walk into the stall and see the shit and be disgusted and then they would say 'wow a rose'.

fromage

i bet when the cheese grater got invented the profession of incredibly fine cheese chopper became extinct.

thoery

there must be a conspiracy theory about conspiracy theories.

noah

you know whenever they talk about Noahs Ark nobody mentions anything about the smell

sometimes

sometimes you hear somebody say something completely ridiculous and you have to bite your tongue. sometimes you are inexplicably hiding in your new neighbors closet.

h2o

i watched this thing on tv last night that said there is a global water shortage. they were quick to point out that human water consumption has increased dramatically over the past 20 years. i think if i was the one that made the documentary the first people that i would have questioned about the water shortages would be the worlds sponges. i guess it would have been a documentary with subtitles. sponge is a lost language.

time

as a kid i always hated military time. one of my teachers would always use it. 'what is 15:30' he would ask. someone would always put up their hand and say '3:30pm you subtract 12 from 15'. to me military time was just what happened when time and math fucked each other and had retarded kids. the teacher would always try to drill into us that later in life we would need this information. then one day the police came and took him away. it turned out that numbers wasn't his speciality. even i knew 15 was off limits.

boom

to me the words 'baby boom' means that there is a blow job shortage.

alien truth

i'm sure when the aliens fly around the skies looking down at us and all of the animals they must look at the elephants and think 'boy those could cause us some problems'. then they realize that they are aliens from outer space and they fire their lasers at the elephants but not enough to kill them. just enough to let them know who's boss.

hurt

she told me that i didn't care but i just shrugged it off. the game was on.

steps

there's something to be said about waking up early and going for a long walk while everyone sleeps. perhaps it's how quiet the streets are or how the curtains hug the windows shut. except for that occasional house with the owners peacefully asleep in their beds oblivious to the flash of the camera.

snow

all that shoveling and no bodies. it just doesn't seem fair.

bino

binoculars are cool because they show you what things look like if you were there.

truth

no arms no watches. it's what inspired flava flav.

death

if it wasn't for squirrels i wouldn't know just how flat an animal can get.

PIZZA

I think Pizza Pockets are cool but not as cool as having actual pockets filled with pizza.

backwaRDS

I was the president of the dyslexia association of Canada. Our motto was 'a thousand words are worth a picture'.

lines

if i was a drug addicted geometry professor i'd spend my days getting fucked up doing spheres of coke.

hair

i was thinking that i could take 2 empty toilet roll tubes and use them as a template when i shave. i would place them on my face and shave around them that way i could make facial "pig tails." i'm a big fan of pig tails on chicks' heads. I find them rather sexy and i don't see why facial pig tails on me wouldn't do it for the ladies.

if i grow them long enough it might even help with my balance.

mime

give a mime a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a mime to fish then bury him in the woods.

trees

when i was a kid i used to like climbing trees. one time when i was in the tree i watched this trail of ants walking along the branches. they were getting food and bringing it back to their nest. i thought the whole thing was pretty amazing but nowhere near as amazing as a pack of matches. i can still remember the smell.

beach

I’ve never been to a nude beach but have used the excuse that I thought I was at one.

tapper

There was a man on the bus who was tapping his forehead. He was doing it for about a minute and he appeared to be doing it as a means of relaxation. It looked like fun and made me want to tap his forehead too.

scrub

On exfoliating scrub would it be too hard for them to write 'do not use on anus' or 'what to do if anus exfoliated'. .

cows

I think it would be a good idea to let cows parachute and sometimes I think we could forget to put a parachute in the bag and then when the cow falls to the earth and dies we could eat it.

positive

No matter how bad the day is going it's important to remain positive. It’s important to think positively. Stay focused. Stay positive. You will get rid of the body.

touch, touch, touch, touch, touch, touch

-Obsessive compulsive anonymous meetings are much like AA but instead of 12 steps to recovery there's only one and you have to keep repeating it over and over again

maps

In Hollywood they sell maps to the locations of celebrities homes. This is one of the million reasons why I admire animals. Animals don’t care about this sort of shit and if they do you can kick them and no one would know the better.

beer

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

gum

I used to like it when I would find a piece of gum on the sidewalk and there would be hundreds of ants on it. I could watch those ants for hours. Well that's how the debate went in my head. 'I could watch those ants for hours or I could get the lighter fluid'.

nachos

You know what I love? I love a big plate of nachos with cheese, sour cream, and salsa. The works. You know what I hate? When I accidentally touch my cat’s anus.

cheese

the worst thing to happen to the cottage cheese industry was a single word. that word was 'discharge'.

hate

'in one ear out the other'. i always hated that saying. maybe it's because i have 2 ears.

blank

sometimes when i'm trying to think of something and my mind goes totally blank i like to consider it a moment of silence for all the beers that i have drank.

swine flu, bird flu, monkey virus, sars, west nile, east nile, bird cock virus, donkey dick virus, cow tongue virus, bat droppings in your cola virus, giraffe licked your windshield at the zoo virus, elephant took a massive dump and you laughed virus, police horse shit on the road virus, stuttering parrots virus, squirrel in my garbage virus, pigeons eating cigarette butts virus.

it's all part of the big plan to reduce the line ups at the car wash.

booze

alcohol is only a temporary solution to your problems. which is why I use it for my temporary problems.

proof

if the proof is in the pudding is the proof pudding?

i like

i like to carry 2 pieces of toast in my pocket at all times. just in case i get into a serious accident and when the medics are going through my pockets for my id i can say 'my wallet is behind the toast' and then when they ask 'why do you have toast in your pockets' i will pretend to go unconscious and the mystery of the toast will bother them for ever

squirrel

when your sad child points to dead and flattened squirrel on the road the only way to explain it is to say 'he didn't listen'.

mr golden sun

It always bothered me that when people drew the sun that they always put a happy face on it. I always thought that instead of a happy face that people should draw the face of a man that had accidentally sawed off his penis. I think it would make people take skin cancer a lot more seriously.

store

I’m going to open a store called the international house of bricks and it's going to be made out of pancakes

Weiner

Sometimes I wish that I was an Oscar Myer wiener but just for about 5 minutes so I could see what it feels like to lie down inside of a hot dog bun.

one thing that they never say about cars is there incredible ability to seal in a fart. you could fart in your car, go for a meal, watch a movie and come back 3 hours later and sure enough the fart is still there.

bird

I heard someone say 'seagulls are a real problem'. It’s true. There aren't that many recipes for them.

folgers

The Folgers commercial theme song goes 'the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup'. I think that's negative thinking. I think the best part of waking up is waking up and realizing that you’re not dead.

yes

i imagine that if you are a cannibal life on a leper colony is a bit of a dream. 'oh look an arm'.

cats

Some people get their cats de-clawed which to me says that in the 'rock, paper, scissors' hierarchy of things – new sofa always beats cat.

boom

To me the words 'baby boom' mean that there is a blow job shortage

corn

i prefer to call canned corn. corn off the cob in a can

beaver vs kramer

i never understood why some people refer to a woman's vagina as her beaver. not too many people know what a beaver looks like so i'm sure when they finally see one the first thing they think is 'that looks nothing like a vagina'. i think if they wanted to name it after a furry animal with big teeth then they should have named it after a squirrel. most people have seen a squirrel before. and lets be honest in the heat of action there's nothing that a woman would love to hear more than 'you've got a really nice squirrel'. squirrel fucking wouldn't have that negative stigma anymore.

purchase

i got a new pair of jeans yesterday. when i went up to the cash the girl behind the counter asked me 'who served you?'. I didn't know, i didn't pay attention to the name as i didn't think that i was going to be tested. I wanted to tell the girl at the cash that i was served by the girl with the nice ass and perky tits but instead i just said 'i think she had glasses'.

aging

i think the worst indication for me that i am getting older is not the annoying back or knee pain. not the occasional grey hairs, not the horrible hangovers, or that 18 year olds were born in 1991. it is my strange new found interest in nose hair trimmers.

critical

i'm really critical on people but i'm also really critical on myself. which makes me think that i'm probably not being as critical on people as I could be.

truth

she was a romantic. while we laid in bed she told me that she liked the sound of rain hitting the windows. i wanted to tell her that i like the sound of birds flying into the window but i thought that would ruin the mood. but i didn't care. i told her. then i farted and things got worse. that was the last time i slept with his mum.

dogs

i had a craving for hot dogs. i'm not sure why. maybe it was because i watched my cat take a shit.

you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she holds a banana.

mayans 2012 dog fuckers.

i hate all this talk about 2012 and how the earth is going to end. the mayans didn't predict this. they just had writers block and ran out of things to carve into stone. who cares about the fucking mayans. mayans never rode bikes or ate at quizno's. mayan's never carved holes in watermelons and pretended they were suzanne summers from three's company while they fucked them. mayan's never bought exercise equipment from the tv at 3am while eating a bag of doritos. mayan's never took a shit in a bag on a public bus. mayan's never stared at the stars through a telescope and then stared at your neighbor getting undressed. mayan's never stole beer from the store or pretended to talking on blue tooth just so they could talk outloud in public. fuck the mayans and 2012. and so what if the earth ends. atleast i'll finally get some sleep.

pee

this morning my daughter watched me pee. she asked me why i was shaking it. i tried to tell her about wet spots and the need to shake it out. she just stared at me with a big smile on her face. the strange thing is that she never asked me why i was peeing in the sink.