willpower

billy lost his hands in a farming accident and everyone felt horrible for him. on the positive side he had tried everything. the patch, hypnosis but nothing got him to quit like those rotary blades.

pickles

sometimes it's impossible to open the pickle jar and it's at that moment that i believe that GOD hates us for what we did to those cucumbers.

elastics

today i got asked if i was bi-polar. 'i don't know what it is with you, some days you're up and other days i feel like i can't talk to you'. i smiled at her and said 'i prefer the term manic depressive'. i then proceeded to show her my black elastic band. the black elastic band is like the albino tiger of the tiger world. a rarity. i'm not sure where the black elastic band came from but i found it on the floor. it looks like the kind that is used to attach broccoli to other broccoli. it's possible that i will build a small little shrine for it to sit on and attach it to my cubicle wall. devote freaks, cripples and sick people will come from all over the world to get a glimpse. word will get out that the black elastic band cured a mans erectile dysfunction and also turned his erect penis into an excellent fresh water finding instrument. the man will return to his native land in the middle of the Sahara and will roam from village to village with his erection and lucky sweatpants finding water for the dehydrated and unbloated masses. with the fresh water they will build a factory that will make buckets so that they can make sandcastles and in those sandcastles the world's first fresh bread crouton will be born. 'it's like a crouton but soft'

cats

humans have invented millions of things. cats have invented nothing. well other than some device that gives them the ability to have fish breath when no fish has been eaten. sneaky buggers. i'm on to them.

my poo

i woke up at 2:30am. i was having a dream that i was taking a shit and sure enough when i woke up i really had to go bad. i was still in a half sleep state so i tried to sleep it off. you can never sleep off a shit. the contractions woke me up again and i knew that i either had to get up or risk shitting the bed. twice in a year would be a bad thing. as i walked over to the bathroom i doubled over in pain. i was having a baby. i began to sweat and did this slow walk into the bathroom. as my ass touched the seat i dropped it. it was massive and as it hit the water while still connected to me i got hit with another contraction and realized that this massive turd was acting as a cork for whatever else was inside of me.
sure enough as the massive one broke free the machine gun fire of shit shot out of me. my ass sounded like it was making popcorn. i grew faint and for a second thought that i was going to vomit. i thought i had food poisoning. it must have been something i drank. the shit just kept pouring out and as the pain began to subside so did the urge to vomit.
as i sat there on the bog i began to get cold. they say that when a spirit enters a room that the temperature drops. the same can be said when a 10 pound shit comes out of you. there was nothing good about it. the smell was vile. the carbon monoxide detector went off. as i became time to wipe i turned on the light and looked down. it was a sea of brown. it was the type of shit that deserved to be on the sidewalk. it was the type of shit that people needed to see as the walked to work, to breakfast, to church. it was the type of shit that only the maker could love. i named him harry.

plane poo

i hate taking shits on airplanes. it's not just because everyone knows what you're up to but because it's so hard to get all into that little paper bag.

aa

you know the one group that you never see have a float in parades is AA (alcoholics anonymous). you can almost hear the commentator say 'well the next float that should have been making it's way down in front of the booth was the local branch of alcoholics anonymous but for the 3rd year running they've failed to show up on time'.

i think it's time that the name AA gets changed. you hear people talking about it like 'i go to alcoholics anonymous' and the only thing that i can think is 'you're not doing a very good job of being anonymous i can see you and hear everything that you are saying'. perhaps it's

porn dog

hot dogs are like porn. all lips and assholes.

life 2

we used to have a dog that had fleas. we lived in a pretty flea infested area of Ontario and the fleas were all over the place. when it was bad you could part my dogs hair and you would see the little buggers. one day i was in my room reading and i felt an itch on my stomach. when i looked i saw this little flea moving along. i watched it for a good few minutes. it amazed me somewhat. this tiny insect living on my body. unaware of the human world and our worries. it had no clue about all the things in my life at the time. the bullies at school, the girls that wouldn't look at me or my skinny frame. that flea knew none of it and i would have to make it pay.

life

there's something about having children that changes your perception of the world. you learn to ignore the little things that used to bother you. you learn to see life for what it is and you learn to deal with tough situations. negotiating prices with escorts has gotten a whole lot easier.

blah blah blah.

last night i listened to the neighbors arguing with each other about how much noise they both make. i hate both sets of neighbors so listening to them go at it was almost worth masturbating to. as they stood on the door step i realized that it was the first time that i had seen all of them together at the same time which made me close my eyes and pray to god for a rare inner city bear attack. they went back and forth each presenting their case about the noise. it was a lot of 'you do this, you do that' and 'you play your music too loud'. after a while it got a little boring and listening to their mundane existence made me want to kill myself. i decided to close the window and go back to more important things and finish reading the article on how to stuff your dead cat.

this morning my daughter said to me 'daddy you're so pretty' which was a really nice compliment considering that i wasn't wearing any make up.

they took me away

it was a squirrel chasing incident that went horribly wrong. they claimed that there was some inappropriate touching, a tail got bitten, someone lost their nuts and i was held captive for 3 months. everyday the evil squirrels would beat me with little sticks. it never really hurt but i pretended to cry and threatened to make them allergic to peanuts. squirrels are actually stupid fuckers that masturbate alot and have a strange fascination with bob barker. just cause bob wanted to save some stupid cats and dogs the squirrels think that he was the messiah. i managed to escape from the den after 62 days in captivity. i hate those fucking squirrels and how they treated me. always bringing me garbage to eat. a cantaloupe skin is not a meal. used kleenexes aren't blankets. i hope they die from squirrel aids. i hope squirrels terrorists crash planes into their trees. i hope dogs eat them and their squirrel babies with fava beans and a nice Chianti. Put the lotion on the body you fucking squirrel. armageddon is coming.