squirrel

there was a dead squirrel on our street. it must have been hit by a car. i didn't point it out to my daughter because i knew that it might upset or ruin the surprise when it came back from being stuffed.

meow

there are many ways to skin a cat but no market for cat coats.

in the spring i like to see the geese in the sky flying back. it represents so many things. the change of seasons, cycles of life, and the mystery of nature. sometimes i sit in awe of their beauty. other times i wish airplanes would hit them.

finger

i saw this thing on the tv about this guy who had no fingers or thumbs. they talked about all the things that he was still able to do. there was no mention of shadow puppets.

fish

this lady in the store smelled like fish. it was strong and she was standing so close to me that i could also feel a certain amount of warmth coming off her. these are not things that i find attractive in a woman. most men like to imagine what a woman looks like naked. with this woman i imagined what she would smell like if she didn't smell like a fish. i could never date a woman that smelled like a fish. all those cats would drive me crazy.

cat

sometimes i wonder if i would take my cat more seriously if he wore glasses. then again a cat chasing a dried leaf will always be a cat chasing a dried leaf regardless of it wearing glasses. mind you i would feel more comfortable with his driving.

ice

i was on my way out and as i went down our stairs i saw this lady on the road pulling herself up. as i walked over i could tell that she wasn't doing too well.
'are you ok' i asked her.
'no' she said 'i banged my head. there's black ice over there'.
i didn't know what race had to do with this but i figured her head was in a bad way.
'do you need help?' i asked. her eyes were all watery and her jacket was covered in slush.
'no, no. i think i'll be ok' she said.
'ok then' i said 'i hope you feel better'.
as i walked away i began to think about what i would have actually done if she said that she needed help. i guess i could have brought her home and made her a cup of tea and gave her a bag of frozen peas for her head. i think it would have been a very awkward situation. it's always weird having a stranger in your house and even weirder being in a strangers house. then there would have been that really awkward moment when she asked 'why do you have so many chainsaws?'

driving to work I saw this dead raccoon on the side of the road. he had been there 2 mornings in a row. He was smiling. He looked like he liked being dead.

white poo

underarm deodorant balls are the hygenic equivalent to the dangle berry.

parallel

i would like to visit our parallel universe but i wouldn't send any postcards cause it would be like getting a postcard from here and no one would believe me. 'wish you were here. well you are but it's not really here it's there- J'.

genes

they have genetically modified corn. it's a rather controversial subject. i think a more controversial topic will be genetically modified tulips. they will look like regular tulip bulbs but instead of them flowering, pit-bulls dressed like Liberace on a coke and cock binge will jump out. 'i hate spring. those fucking liberace pit bulls ate my cat last year'.

confession

i'm into auto non erotic asphxiation. it involves me sitting at the bus stop with a belt tied around my neck. sometimes i even feed the birds.

seagull fucker

fucking pigeons. barf eaters. always shitting on balconies and statues. addicted to french fries fuckers. always hanging out as a crowd. always dead and squashed on the road. always flying in circles like a stupid fucker. fucking pigeon. you and your seagull friend. evil white bird. chasing other birds in the park cause you're addicted to chips. big shitter. you need a make over seagull. no rich seagulls out there are there seagull fucker'.

another note from the aliens

i think when they say 'it's got a birds eye view' they should make a note saying 'excluding pigeons and seagulls as they are always in the park and alleys and their views are of garbage cans and strange homeless people skin conditions'.

a note from the aliens that i found in my room

notes from the aliens

- when a restaurant is closed for the night they put the chairs on the tables so that they can clean the floors. at first we thought they were playing a weird stacking game but we were wrong. in the morning when the restaurant is open they put the chairs back on the floor so that the humans can sit on them. the napkin holders always remain on the table with the salt and pepper dispensers.