when ever i see the words 'new and improved flavour' on packaged goods my only thought is 'people thought this was shit'.

dog

As we were driving home my daughter spotted a dog on the street squatting and taking a shit. I'm not sure if it was related but a few moments later she wanted a muffin.

book

i've been reading this book on personality types. it's rather interesting. it's a tool to help you understand people and deal with different personality types. i'm hoping that the book will come in handy for my morning commute the next time I am on the jam packed subway and that if i am faced with a situation that is rather confrontational that i can diffuse it by smashing the book across someones face.

wash

i bought this body wash. their logo is 'the eye opener'. after this mornings shower experience i think they should rewrite it to 'the eye opener except when you get it in your eyes. then you will be temporarily blinded and it will burn like a salt laced q-tip in the urethra of your penis. you may scream. you may fall down and bang your head on the faucet of the shower. your dick will clog the drain and the tub will fill up eventually flooding the bathroom. the water will flood the room making the floor collapse. the tub will crash through landing in the bathroom of the downstairs neighbors who are having sex with a poodle named Gary. when you wake up you will be tied up in a cage in your neighbors basement. they will call you 'slave boy' and the only thing they will feed you is rice krispies and you hate rice krispies cause they remind you of maggots'.
that would sell a few bottles.

dose

i was looking at the new $20 bill. it has all kinds of holograms on it.
'i feel like i'm on acid' said the missus
'i am on acid' i told her
'i knew it' she said.

i didn't say a word. i pretended that i didn't hear what she said. she must have seen me have that conversation with the toilet plunger.

nozzle

i like those cake decorating nozzels. you know the kind that you put on the end of a tube of icing to make fancy icing things. sometimes i wish i had an asshole with a built in cake decorating nozzle. i could take incredibly decorative shits. i wouldn't flush them. people would walk into the stall and see the shit and be disgusted and then they would say 'wow a rose'.

fromage

i bet when the cheese grater got invented the profession of incredibly fine cheese chopper became extinct.

thoery

there must be a conspiracy theory about conspiracy theories.

noah

you know whenever they talk about Noahs Ark nobody mentions anything about the smell

sometimes

sometimes you hear somebody say something completely ridiculous and you have to bite your tongue. sometimes you are inexplicably hiding in your new neighbors closet.

h2o

i watched this thing on tv last night that said there is a global water shortage. they were quick to point out that human water consumption has increased dramatically over the past 20 years. i think if i was the one that made the documentary the first people that i would have questioned about the water shortages would be the worlds sponges. i guess it would have been a documentary with subtitles. sponge is a lost language.

time

as a kid i always hated military time. one of my teachers would always use it. 'what is 15:30' he would ask. someone would always put up their hand and say '3:30pm you subtract 12 from 15'. to me military time was just what happened when time and math fucked each other and had retarded kids. the teacher would always try to drill into us that later in life we would need this information. then one day the police came and took him away. it turned out that numbers wasn't his speciality. even i knew 15 was off limits.

boom

to me the words 'baby boom' means that there is a blow job shortage.

alien truth

i'm sure when the aliens fly around the skies looking down at us and all of the animals they must look at the elephants and think 'boy those could cause us some problems'. then they realize that they are aliens from outer space and they fire their lasers at the elephants but not enough to kill them. just enough to let them know who's boss.

hurt

she told me that i didn't care but i just shrugged it off. the game was on.

steps

there's something to be said about waking up early and going for a long walk while everyone sleeps. perhaps it's how quiet the streets are or how the curtains hug the windows shut. except for that occasional house with the owners peacefully asleep in their beds oblivious to the flash of the camera.

snow

all that shoveling and no bodies. it just doesn't seem fair.

bino

binoculars are cool because they show you what things look like if you were there.

truth

no arms no watches. it's what inspired flava flav.

death

if it wasn't for squirrels i wouldn't know just how flat an animal can get.

PIZZA

I think Pizza Pockets are cool but not as cool as having actual pockets filled with pizza.

backwaRDS

I was the president of the dyslexia association of Canada. Our motto was 'a thousand words are worth a picture'.