art

if swiss cheese didn't exist then maybe more people would draw triangles with holes in them without the worry of being misunderstood.

bad food choices

some people eat pastries for breakfast. i wonder if they know how bad they are for them. i see these people every morning eating pastries from a brown paper bag with grease stains. i wonder about the health of these people. i wonder what their insides are like and what they would look like lacquered and in a nice frame above the fireplace.

belt

this morning as i was walking to the subway my belt buckle broke. i was just walking along and i felt my pants start to fall. i imagine that's what it feels like to be seduced by a ghost.

sure that works

when you add butter to mashed potatoes you're laughing. well maybe not. maybe you just stubbed your toe and you're screaming and the last thing you are thinking about is the buttery goodness of the mashed potatoes. instead you're hopping around saying 'i broke my toe. i broke my toe' but we all know that your toe is not broken and that you are a softy and all you will talk about for the rest of the night is your broken toe. i hate you for ruining the mashed potatoes.

this is what i wrote in her card. she was going on maternity leave.

atm

in porn an 'ATM' is when the man is having anal sex with the woman (or man) and then follows it up with some oral action (Ass to mouth). i explained this to the aliens the other night but then had a really hard time explaining the ATM machine. they were really disappointed.

drugs

i'm always suspicious of people with no arms who have one really long toe nail.

pee

in the morning I took my daughter outside. there was a large trail of pee in the snow. 'wow' she said 'look what a dog did'. i laughed as last nights memories came back to me. it was clear she couldn't read yet.

deep

imagine the sound of one hand clapping. now imagine the sound of that hand repeatedly smacking itself in the face. beautiful isn't it?

truth

if you've ever had a horrible mashed potato incident i can see how a snow storm could be traumatic.

taxi

i was in the drug store last night and this girl came in and said 'there's an old lady outside. she's been waiting for a taxi for 20 minutes can someone call one for her'. I felt bad for the old lady. It was a cold and windy night. I thought about going home and getting my car and driving her where she needed to go to. Then I got worried that she might think that I was a criminal and that I wanted to rob her and that maybe she would have a heart attack in my car and die. It was such a horrible thought so I decided that it would be best if she died in the taxi instead.