art

if swiss cheese didn't exist then maybe more people would draw triangles with holes in them without the worry of being misunderstood.

bad food choices

some people eat pastries for breakfast. i wonder if they know how bad they are for them. i see these people every morning eating pastries from a brown paper bag with grease stains. i wonder about the health of these people. i wonder what their insides are like and what they would look like lacquered and in a nice frame above the fireplace.

belt

this morning as i was walking to the subway my belt buckle broke. i was just walking along and i felt my pants start to fall. i imagine that's what it feels like to be seduced by a ghost.

sure that works

when you add butter to mashed potatoes you're laughing. well maybe not. maybe you just stubbed your toe and you're screaming and the last thing you are thinking about is the buttery goodness of the mashed potatoes. instead you're hopping around saying 'i broke my toe. i broke my toe' but we all know that your toe is not broken and that you are a softy and all you will talk about for the rest of the night is your broken toe. i hate you for ruining the mashed potatoes.

this is what i wrote in her card. she was going on maternity leave.

atm

in porn an 'ATM' is when the man is having anal sex with the woman (or man) and then follows it up with some oral action (Ass to mouth). i explained this to the aliens the other night but then had a really hard time explaining the ATM machine. they were really disappointed.

drugs

i'm always suspicious of people with no arms who have one really long toe nail.

pee

in the morning I took my daughter outside. there was a large trail of pee in the snow. 'wow' she said 'look what a dog did'. i laughed as last nights memories came back to me. it was clear she couldn't read yet.

deep

imagine the sound of one hand clapping. now imagine the sound of that hand repeatedly smacking itself in the face. beautiful isn't it?

truth

if you've ever had a horrible mashed potato incident i can see how a snow storm could be traumatic.

taxi

i was in the drug store last night and this girl came in and said 'there's an old lady outside. she's been waiting for a taxi for 20 minutes can someone call one for her'. I felt bad for the old lady. It was a cold and windy night. I thought about going home and getting my car and driving her where she needed to go to. Then I got worried that she might think that I was a criminal and that I wanted to rob her and that maybe she would have a heart attack in my car and die. It was such a horrible thought so I decided that it would be best if she died in the taxi instead.

dog holmes

I used to have a dog with a really big penis. Some of my friends had this theory that it got so big because he was able to lick himself. I had a theory that it had something to do with dog saliva but I proved that wrong and made sure not to tell anyone.

in the door

it's sad state of affairs when you see a mentally retarded guy with his bag stuck in the subway door and no one rushing to help him. As I stood there with my foot jammed in the door trying to pry it open I wondered what was wrong with the world. How could no one help this poor guy? What was even more surprising was later on as I went through his wallet seeing how much money a retarded guy walked around with.

thinking of doing stand up. would you come?

i told my neighbor that i was going to kill his roommate. It was a fair statement. The red mist took over and i wanted to smash his head against the brick wall. Then make pancakes. I had a craving for syrup.

everyone things i'm dead. it was just a weird 2 months with an iguana named Betty

drug store

there's something about the drug store on a friday night
the lonely ladies buying 10 bars of soap for $3 and cheap cat food
the dreamers with their lottery tickets and oversized condoms
the time killers reading the magazines
the kids crying for chocolate
the cure seekers with $75 skin creams
the bleeders buying tampons
the wet people caught in a freak downpour trying to justify $10 for an umbrella
the health nuts with strange orange glows mulling over protein powders
the crazies looking for a refill
the big shitters with all that toilet paper
the obsessive compulsives with their cleaning products
the diabetics with 10 bottles of soda
and then there's me
fitting into all of it.

a poem

watching the geese migrate. amazed at their flight formation. the sounds of the guns going off.

pigs

i don't like going into the pet store and seeing those big containers of pigs ears. it bothers me seeing them knowing that there are all these deaf pigs out there.

soda

soda water is pretty cool. it's just water but fizzy. i think a soda water lake or river would be pretty cool. it would be fun to swim in it. i bet those bubbles could really tickle your hemorrhoids.

donut blower

this guy at the bus stop was eating a cream filled donut. at one point he bit into it and pulled this really puckered face. i recognized that face. it's the face of a super sweet product that is making your teeth hurt like hell. as i stared at him some more i wondered if it really was the donut that was doing this to him or if he was actually giving a blow job to the invisible man.

white shit

we were sitting around talking about the 80's when one of my friends said 'i used to see a lot of white dog shit back in the 80's but not anymore. whatever happened to white dog shit on the street'. it made me laugh. it was true. i remember seeing my fair share of white and beige colored dog shit. thats when i told him about the beige colored stick that i picked up to throw at someone and that turned out not to be a stick. it was a odd moment and for a second i thought my hands could melt wood.

butts

the other day while walking downtown i saw this guy walking around yelling shit in french. he was wearing plastic bags on his feet. they weren't name brand. just some regular plain white plastic bags but they looked a couple of sizes too big. it got me thinking about how he ended up in that position. maybe it was one thing that made him snap or a lifetime of problems that accumulated in him on the streets. he wasn't asking for money he was mostly scanning the ground looking for plump cigarette butts. at one point he caught sight of a good one. only half smoked and still burning. his eyes light up as he held it up. it almost felt like i was watching one of those Saturday morning fishing shows where the guys pull the fish into the boat and raise the fish while saying 'this a good 10 pounder it's a beauty' instead the guy put the cigarette to his mouth took a big long drag and then said something which i think translated to 'just way too many newspapers'.

whenever a bird comes close to the window our cat goes into attack mode. it's purely innate. centuries of animal instincts kicking in. it's rather impressive to watch until he realizes that the he is a house cat and the bird is free and he will never get the chance to catch it. then i feel guilty about locking him up like a prisoner so i try to make it up to him by downloading crazy underground german porn and buying lots of vodka. unfortunately it doesn't seem to be cheering him up. which is strange cause it's the happiest i have been in years.

passed

It's not drinking that I'm addicted to. It's sleeping in the park that I can't get enough of.

elastic band

before the invention of the elastic band we were at the mercy of the lobsters.

love hurts

today i tried to convince someone that the song 'love hurts' is actually about anal sex. i wasn't that convincing.

kids

this was the third time this week that someone has brought their baby to the office but once again my attempt to photocopy one failed.

corn

genetically modified food is a pretty crazy thing. corn is genetically modified. genetically modified corn is engineered to tolerate herbicides and resist bugs. i think these people have lost focus. what they need to work on is corn that doesn't get stuck in your teeth. that shit would sell like Nair in Italy.

fairies

as i child i used to believe that the pollen flying in the air was fairies. i don't know why i thought that but i imagine it's because some adult told me. they probably said 'look at those white things flying. those are fairies'. i won't do this to my daughter. i won't lie. i will tell her exactly what those white things are. bags of coke being sent up to heaven for god the drug fiend.

wife

some guys worry that their wives want to wear the pants in the family. not me, it's a strap on that i'm concerned about.

canoes

whenever i see an overturned canoe in someones yard i think about the memories of that canoe trip with my friends. i think about drifting along an unmanned river watching the wildlife go by. i think about the smell of the camp fire, the echoes of the camp songs and the sound that a shovel makes when it smashes against a skull.

weight

they say that some people carry the world's weight on their shoulders. all i can say to that is bend with the knees man. bend with the knees.

cheese

smart food is some good shit but part of me is worried that it was inspired by smegma.

willpower

billy lost his hands in a farming accident and everyone felt horrible for him. on the positive side he had tried everything. the patch, hypnosis but nothing got him to quit like those rotary blades.

pickles

sometimes it's impossible to open the pickle jar and it's at that moment that i believe that GOD hates us for what we did to those cucumbers.

elastics

today i got asked if i was bi-polar. 'i don't know what it is with you, some days you're up and other days i feel like i can't talk to you'. i smiled at her and said 'i prefer the term manic depressive'. i then proceeded to show her my black elastic band. the black elastic band is like the albino tiger of the tiger world. a rarity. i'm not sure where the black elastic band came from but i found it on the floor. it looks like the kind that is used to attach broccoli to other broccoli. it's possible that i will build a small little shrine for it to sit on and attach it to my cubicle wall. devote freaks, cripples and sick people will come from all over the world to get a glimpse. word will get out that the black elastic band cured a mans erectile dysfunction and also turned his erect penis into an excellent fresh water finding instrument. the man will return to his native land in the middle of the Sahara and will roam from village to village with his erection and lucky sweatpants finding water for the dehydrated and unbloated masses. with the fresh water they will build a factory that will make buckets so that they can make sandcastles and in those sandcastles the world's first fresh bread crouton will be born. 'it's like a crouton but soft'

cats

humans have invented millions of things. cats have invented nothing. well other than some device that gives them the ability to have fish breath when no fish has been eaten. sneaky buggers. i'm on to them.

my poo

i woke up at 2:30am. i was having a dream that i was taking a shit and sure enough when i woke up i really had to go bad. i was still in a half sleep state so i tried to sleep it off. you can never sleep off a shit. the contractions woke me up again and i knew that i either had to get up or risk shitting the bed. twice in a year would be a bad thing. as i walked over to the bathroom i doubled over in pain. i was having a baby. i began to sweat and did this slow walk into the bathroom. as my ass touched the seat i dropped it. it was massive and as it hit the water while still connected to me i got hit with another contraction and realized that this massive turd was acting as a cork for whatever else was inside of me.
sure enough as the massive one broke free the machine gun fire of shit shot out of me. my ass sounded like it was making popcorn. i grew faint and for a second thought that i was going to vomit. i thought i had food poisoning. it must have been something i drank. the shit just kept pouring out and as the pain began to subside so did the urge to vomit.
as i sat there on the bog i began to get cold. they say that when a spirit enters a room that the temperature drops. the same can be said when a 10 pound shit comes out of you. there was nothing good about it. the smell was vile. the carbon monoxide detector went off. as i became time to wipe i turned on the light and looked down. it was a sea of brown. it was the type of shit that deserved to be on the sidewalk. it was the type of shit that people needed to see as the walked to work, to breakfast, to church. it was the type of shit that only the maker could love. i named him harry.

plane poo

i hate taking shits on airplanes. it's not just because everyone knows what you're up to but because it's so hard to get all into that little paper bag.

aa

you know the one group that you never see have a float in parades is AA (alcoholics anonymous). you can almost hear the commentator say 'well the next float that should have been making it's way down in front of the booth was the local branch of alcoholics anonymous but for the 3rd year running they've failed to show up on time'.

i think it's time that the name AA gets changed. you hear people talking about it like 'i go to alcoholics anonymous' and the only thing that i can think is 'you're not doing a very good job of being anonymous i can see you and hear everything that you are saying'. perhaps it's

porn dog

hot dogs are like porn. all lips and assholes.

life 2

we used to have a dog that had fleas. we lived in a pretty flea infested area of Ontario and the fleas were all over the place. when it was bad you could part my dogs hair and you would see the little buggers. one day i was in my room reading and i felt an itch on my stomach. when i looked i saw this little flea moving along. i watched it for a good few minutes. it amazed me somewhat. this tiny insect living on my body. unaware of the human world and our worries. it had no clue about all the things in my life at the time. the bullies at school, the girls that wouldn't look at me or my skinny frame. that flea knew none of it and i would have to make it pay.

life

there's something about having children that changes your perception of the world. you learn to ignore the little things that used to bother you. you learn to see life for what it is and you learn to deal with tough situations. negotiating prices with escorts has gotten a whole lot easier.

blah blah blah.

last night i listened to the neighbors arguing with each other about how much noise they both make. i hate both sets of neighbors so listening to them go at it was almost worth masturbating to. as they stood on the door step i realized that it was the first time that i had seen all of them together at the same time which made me close my eyes and pray to god for a rare inner city bear attack. they went back and forth each presenting their case about the noise. it was a lot of 'you do this, you do that' and 'you play your music too loud'. after a while it got a little boring and listening to their mundane existence made me want to kill myself. i decided to close the window and go back to more important things and finish reading the article on how to stuff your dead cat.

this morning my daughter said to me 'daddy you're so pretty' which was a really nice compliment considering that i wasn't wearing any make up.

they took me away

it was a squirrel chasing incident that went horribly wrong. they claimed that there was some inappropriate touching, a tail got bitten, someone lost their nuts and i was held captive for 3 months. everyday the evil squirrels would beat me with little sticks. it never really hurt but i pretended to cry and threatened to make them allergic to peanuts. squirrels are actually stupid fuckers that masturbate alot and have a strange fascination with bob barker. just cause bob wanted to save some stupid cats and dogs the squirrels think that he was the messiah. i managed to escape from the den after 62 days in captivity. i hate those fucking squirrels and how they treated me. always bringing me garbage to eat. a cantaloupe skin is not a meal. used kleenexes aren't blankets. i hope they die from squirrel aids. i hope squirrels terrorists crash planes into their trees. i hope dogs eat them and their squirrel babies with fava beans and a nice Chianti. Put the lotion on the body you fucking squirrel. armageddon is coming.

squirrel

there was a dead squirrel on our street. it must have been hit by a car. i didn't point it out to my daughter because i knew that it might upset or ruin the surprise when it came back from being stuffed.

meow

there are many ways to skin a cat but no market for cat coats.

in the spring i like to see the geese in the sky flying back. it represents so many things. the change of seasons, cycles of life, and the mystery of nature. sometimes i sit in awe of their beauty. other times i wish airplanes would hit them.

finger

i saw this thing on the tv about this guy who had no fingers or thumbs. they talked about all the things that he was still able to do. there was no mention of shadow puppets.

fish

this lady in the store smelled like fish. it was strong and she was standing so close to me that i could also feel a certain amount of warmth coming off her. these are not things that i find attractive in a woman. most men like to imagine what a woman looks like naked. with this woman i imagined what she would smell like if she didn't smell like a fish. i could never date a woman that smelled like a fish. all those cats would drive me crazy.

cat

sometimes i wonder if i would take my cat more seriously if he wore glasses. then again a cat chasing a dried leaf will always be a cat chasing a dried leaf regardless of it wearing glasses. mind you i would feel more comfortable with his driving.

ice

i was on my way out and as i went down our stairs i saw this lady on the road pulling herself up. as i walked over i could tell that she wasn't doing too well.
'are you ok' i asked her.
'no' she said 'i banged my head. there's black ice over there'.
i didn't know what race had to do with this but i figured her head was in a bad way.
'do you need help?' i asked. her eyes were all watery and her jacket was covered in slush.
'no, no. i think i'll be ok' she said.
'ok then' i said 'i hope you feel better'.
as i walked away i began to think about what i would have actually done if she said that she needed help. i guess i could have brought her home and made her a cup of tea and gave her a bag of frozen peas for her head. i think it would have been a very awkward situation. it's always weird having a stranger in your house and even weirder being in a strangers house. then there would have been that really awkward moment when she asked 'why do you have so many chainsaws?'

driving to work I saw this dead raccoon on the side of the road. he had been there 2 mornings in a row. He was smiling. He looked like he liked being dead.

white poo

underarm deodorant balls are the hygenic equivalent to the dangle berry.

parallel

i would like to visit our parallel universe but i wouldn't send any postcards cause it would be like getting a postcard from here and no one would believe me. 'wish you were here. well you are but it's not really here it's there- J'.

genes

they have genetically modified corn. it's a rather controversial subject. i think a more controversial topic will be genetically modified tulips. they will look like regular tulip bulbs but instead of them flowering, pit-bulls dressed like Liberace on a coke and cock binge will jump out. 'i hate spring. those fucking liberace pit bulls ate my cat last year'.

confession

i'm into auto non erotic asphxiation. it involves me sitting at the bus stop with a belt tied around my neck. sometimes i even feed the birds.

seagull fucker

fucking pigeons. barf eaters. always shitting on balconies and statues. addicted to french fries fuckers. always hanging out as a crowd. always dead and squashed on the road. always flying in circles like a stupid fucker. fucking pigeon. you and your seagull friend. evil white bird. chasing other birds in the park cause you're addicted to chips. big shitter. you need a make over seagull. no rich seagulls out there are there seagull fucker'.

another note from the aliens

i think when they say 'it's got a birds eye view' they should make a note saying 'excluding pigeons and seagulls as they are always in the park and alleys and their views are of garbage cans and strange homeless people skin conditions'.

a note from the aliens that i found in my room

notes from the aliens

- when a restaurant is closed for the night they put the chairs on the tables so that they can clean the floors. at first we thought they were playing a weird stacking game but we were wrong. in the morning when the restaurant is open they put the chairs back on the floor so that the humans can sit on them. the napkin holders always remain on the table with the salt and pepper dispensers.

end

'it sticks to the roof of your mouth like' and before she had time to finish i said 'cat food'. it was the beginning of the end of the date.

AQUA VELVA

aqua velva

Dave was this big bastard
With only a couple of teeth left
To be pulled.
He told me that he had
Hung up the bottle
And the cigarettes
And that he was doing odd jobs
In the neighborhood
And some work for the church.
His brother was another story
He was frequently passed out
In the park
"I kicked him out of my place"
Dave said
"I woke up one morning
and was shaving my face
and when I put the Aqua -Velva
on my face, the shit didn't burn.
So I smelled it and it didn't smell
like anything"
"that's strange"
I told him
"yeah"
he said
'the son of a bitch had drank it"
I didn't really know what to say
So I just laughed
As Dave laughed.
'look' I told him
'I should get going, I have to get
dinner ready for the lady'
'all right' he said
and took off towards the church.

On my way home
I picked up 12 bottles of premium lager
Imported from Belgium
The label said that it was
"the most acclaimed of all Belgian beers"
it was no Aqua Velva
I thought
But it'd get the job done.

last nights dream

"God receives lifetime achievement award - thanks himself"

Jan 26 2010
Making a very rare public appearance God accepted a lifetime achievement award from "The Universal Society for All Things Bright and Beautiful". In his (sic) acceptance speech God said " I would like to thank myself for this award without my all mighty faith in myself this would not have been possible", he went on to dedicate the award to himself. God has come under recent scrutiny for his alleged role in horse race fixing. In his speech he attacked those who have spoken against him by saying "sure I could make any horse win, i could even make a giant asteroid of acid hit the earth, but I wouldn't.my intentions have always been to benefit the universe and human kind. Why do you think I make animals look so cute". When questioned about the cuteness of alligators God had no comment.

falling down

i was on my way out and as i went down our stairs i saw this lady on the road pulling herself up. as i walked over i could tell that she wasn't doing too well.
'are you ok' i asked her.
'no' she said 'i banged my head. there's black ice over there'.
i didn't know what race had to do with this but i figured her head was in a bad way.
'do you need help?' i asked. her eyes were all watery and her jacket was covered in slush.
'no, no. i think i'll be ok' she said.
'ok then' i said 'i hope you feel better'.
as i walked away i began to think about what i would have actually done if she said that she needed help. i guess i could have brought her home and made her a cup of tea and gave her a bag of frozen peas for her head. i think it would have been a very awkward situation. it's always weird having a stranger in your house and even weirder being in a strangers house. then there would have been that really awkward moment when she asked 'why do you have so many chainsaws?'

an old post

i was on the subway this morning. my head was down and into a book when all of a sudden i heard a familiar splashing sound. i turned my head and sure enough it was a girl vomitting. a real chunder. she was chunderstruck. the vomit just poured out of her. at first it was all chocolate milk but then i spotted diced tomatoes. those rumours of a tomato cereal might just be true.
i felt bad for the lass. she was obviously an inexperienced public vomitter. when round 2 hit she crouched down to reduce the splash but this one hit with good force and the shrapnel hit some shoes. i looked around and saw a few people look like they were going to add to the pile. vomit doesn't bother me so i found the whole thing rather funny and as i looked into my bag for something to give to the girl (maybe a runny egg or a rotting pigeon) she unleashed a 3rd chunder. it was massive. it was beautiful.
as the subway stopped at the station she ran out. all of us looked down at the pile. i think i nodded in approval. one man frowned. a lady sat with her hand over her mouth. when the new passengers got on they were all unaware of the giant chocolate milk and tomato vomit swamp. some stood in it squashing up the tomatoes real good. monday was off to a cracking start.

fate

out there somewhere there's a woman that finds dandruff incredibly sexy and soon she will fall madly in love with a man who shouldn't be wearing black.

nice

it's ok to say to someone 'have a nice day' or 'have a good lunch', 'have a great weekend', 'have a great night out' but as soon as you run into someone in the bathroom and you tell them 'have a good shit' you've apparently crossed some line. or so the human resources dept says.

jar

sometimes it's impossible to open the pickle jar and it's at that moment that i believe that GOD hates us for what we did to those cucumbers.

dog no dog

we were sitting around talking about the 80's when one of my friends said 'i used to see a lot of white dog shit back in the 80's but not anymore. whatever happened to white dog shit on the street'. it made me laugh. it was true. i remember seeing my fair share of white and beige colored dog shit. thats when i told him about the beige colored stick that i picked up to throw at someone and that turned out not to be a stick. it was an odd moment and for a second i thought my hands could melt wood.

ziggy

frank sinatra was known as old blue eyes but david bowie was never known as old blue eye.

details

whenever they talk about the latest space mission and all the experiments they do in space why can't they just for once go into detail about how they take a shit.

water rocks cum

if feng shui is supposed to bring balance, power and success into your life, how do they explain it when a store that specializes in feng shui goes bankrupt.

again with the confessions

many years ago i was at this bar and my and a friend were watching these people dance on the dance floor. at one point this girl who was dancing looked at me then took out a piece of paper and wrote something down. she walked over to me and handed it to me and went back to the dance floor. i looked down at it and on it she had written 'hi, what's your name'. i took the piece of paper and put it in my pocket, gave the girl a smile and then walked out. i could never date a mute.

'imagine if you were the first pregnant man' she asked me. 'I would be 2 things' I told her. 'huh' she said. 'I would be the first pregnant man and the first man to have an abortion'. the world would hate me.

why

i had a friend growing up and whenever i would go over to his house his mother would tell me to take my hat off. i used to wear a backwards baseball hat all the time. his mother thought it was wrong to wear a hat in the house. the weird thing was that we never had to take off our shoes.

politically correct

ear wigs are like midget lobsters. sorry i mean little lobsters.

confession

when i was 19 i had this job at a gas station. i knew fuck all about cars. they would come in and say 'fill it up and check my oil'. i would look under the hood and most of the time i couldn't find the oil stick so i would tell the driver 'yeah you are ok'. sometimes they would tip me and i would feel bad because i had lied. i was a shit gas station attendant but i lasted the entire summer. on my lunch break i used to sit outside of the car wash and watch the people in their cars as the machines washed them. sometimes depending on my mood i would pray to god and ask him to kill them.

tough world

you fix an injured bird and people call you a hero.
you drive home from the bar with your kid on the roof of the car and you're the devil.

go figure.

true

doppelganger gang bangs. it's all the rage

plants

i talk backwards to my plants so i can watch them shrink

give thanks

you never see anyone ever thank the parachute, instead they just roll it up and pack it into the backpack. That's why they don't open from time to time. they're pissed off. they do all this shit and get fuck all. like the housewife that fucks the gardener they eventually lose it. so, even though i don't parachute (or have good grammar) i'd like to thank all the parachutes of the world for having stopped people legs from going through their shoulders. i thought they needed a voice, like the whales.

memory

i have a bad memory. i wrote that down somewhere.

sale

when people are selling their homes their often bake bread or cookies when people are seeing it. apparently the fresh baked smell makes people feel like the house has a lived in and family feel to it. i'm not sure what you do if you are trying to sell a bakery.

sticker

i saw a bumper sticker that said 'a dog is for life not just for christmas'. i thought it was a very good message. i imagine that the chinese version is similiar except 'christmas' has been replaced with 'breakfast'.

80's

in the 80's the 'we are the world' song was popular. i think the words were 'we are the world. we are the children. we are the ones who make a better day so lets start giving'. i hated that fucking song. it always made me feel guilty and that i had to be doing something other than masturbating to the price is right.
back then they often ran commercials on tv for starving children in africa. they always stressed that what they needed was money to buy food but when i saw the commercials i thought that they should also invest a few dollars to buy some fly swatters.