mr golden sun

It always bothered me that when people drew the sun that they always put a happy face on it. I always thought that instead of a happy face that people should draw the face of a man that had accidentally sawed off his penis. I think it would make people take skin cancer a lot more seriously.

store

I’m going to open a store called the international house of bricks and it's going to be made out of pancakes

Weiner

Sometimes I wish that I was an Oscar Myer wiener but just for about 5 minutes so I could see what it feels like to lie down inside of a hot dog bun.

one thing that they never say about cars is there incredible ability to seal in a fart. you could fart in your car, go for a meal, watch a movie and come back 3 hours later and sure enough the fart is still there.

bird

I heard someone say 'seagulls are a real problem'. It’s true. There aren't that many recipes for them.

folgers

The Folgers commercial theme song goes 'the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup'. I think that's negative thinking. I think the best part of waking up is waking up and realizing that you’re not dead.

yes

i imagine that if you are a cannibal life on a leper colony is a bit of a dream. 'oh look an arm'.

cats

Some people get their cats de-clawed which to me says that in the 'rock, paper, scissors' hierarchy of things – new sofa always beats cat.

boom

To me the words 'baby boom' mean that there is a blow job shortage

corn

i prefer to call canned corn. corn off the cob in a can

beaver vs kramer

i never understood why some people refer to a woman's vagina as her beaver. not too many people know what a beaver looks like so i'm sure when they finally see one the first thing they think is 'that looks nothing like a vagina'. i think if they wanted to name it after a furry animal with big teeth then they should have named it after a squirrel. most people have seen a squirrel before. and lets be honest in the heat of action there's nothing that a woman would love to hear more than 'you've got a really nice squirrel'. squirrel fucking wouldn't have that negative stigma anymore.

purchase

i got a new pair of jeans yesterday. when i went up to the cash the girl behind the counter asked me 'who served you?'. I didn't know, i didn't pay attention to the name as i didn't think that i was going to be tested. I wanted to tell the girl at the cash that i was served by the girl with the nice ass and perky tits but instead i just said 'i think she had glasses'.

aging

i think the worst indication for me that i am getting older is not the annoying back or knee pain. not the occasional grey hairs, not the horrible hangovers, or that 18 year olds were born in 1991. it is my strange new found interest in nose hair trimmers.

critical

i'm really critical on people but i'm also really critical on myself. which makes me think that i'm probably not being as critical on people as I could be.

truth

she was a romantic. while we laid in bed she told me that she liked the sound of rain hitting the windows. i wanted to tell her that i like the sound of birds flying into the window but i thought that would ruin the mood. but i didn't care. i told her. then i farted and things got worse. that was the last time i slept with his mum.

dogs

i had a craving for hot dogs. i'm not sure why. maybe it was because i watched my cat take a shit.

you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she holds a banana.

mayans 2012 dog fuckers.

i hate all this talk about 2012 and how the earth is going to end. the mayans didn't predict this. they just had writers block and ran out of things to carve into stone. who cares about the fucking mayans. mayans never rode bikes or ate at quizno's. mayan's never carved holes in watermelons and pretended they were suzanne summers from three's company while they fucked them. mayan's never bought exercise equipment from the tv at 3am while eating a bag of doritos. mayan's never took a shit in a bag on a public bus. mayan's never stared at the stars through a telescope and then stared at your neighbor getting undressed. mayan's never stole beer from the store or pretended to talking on blue tooth just so they could talk outloud in public. fuck the mayans and 2012. and so what if the earth ends. atleast i'll finally get some sleep.

pee

this morning my daughter watched me pee. she asked me why i was shaking it. i tried to tell her about wet spots and the need to shake it out. she just stared at me with a big smile on her face. the strange thing is that she never asked me why i was peeing in the sink.