my poo

i woke up at 2:30am. i was having a dream that i was taking a shit and sure enough when i woke up i really had to go bad. i was still in a half sleep state so i tried to sleep it off. you can never sleep off a shit. the contractions woke me up again and i knew that i either had to get up or risk shitting the bed. twice in a year would be a bad thing. as i walked over to the bathroom i doubled over in pain. i was having a baby. i began to sweat and did this slow walk into the bathroom. as my ass touched the seat i dropped it. it was massive and as it hit the water while still connected to me i got hit with another contraction and realized that this massive turd was acting as a cork for whatever else was inside of me.
sure enough as the massive one broke free the machine gun fire of shit shot out of me. my ass sounded like it was making popcorn. i grew faint and for a second thought that i was going to vomit. i thought i had food poisoning. it must have been something i drank. the shit just kept pouring out and as the pain began to subside so did the urge to vomit.
as i sat there on the bog i began to get cold. they say that when a spirit enters a room that the temperature drops. the same can be said when a 10 pound shit comes out of you. there was nothing good about it. the smell was vile. the carbon monoxide detector went off. as i became time to wipe i turned on the light and looked down. it was a sea of brown. it was the type of shit that deserved to be on the sidewalk. it was the type of shit that people needed to see as the walked to work, to breakfast, to church. it was the type of shit that only the maker could love. i named him harry.