hate

'in one ear out the other'. i always hated that saying. maybe it's because i have 2 ears.

blank

sometimes when i'm trying to think of something and my mind goes totally blank i like to consider it a moment of silence for all the beers that i have drank.

swine flu, bird flu, monkey virus, sars, west nile, east nile, bird cock virus, donkey dick virus, cow tongue virus, bat droppings in your cola virus, giraffe licked your windshield at the zoo virus, elephant took a massive dump and you laughed virus, police horse shit on the road virus, stuttering parrots virus, squirrel in my garbage virus, pigeons eating cigarette butts virus.

it's all part of the big plan to reduce the line ups at the car wash.

booze

alcohol is only a temporary solution to your problems. which is why I use it for my temporary problems.

proof

if the proof is in the pudding is the proof pudding?

i like

i like to carry 2 pieces of toast in my pocket at all times. just in case i get into a serious accident and when the medics are going through my pockets for my id i can say 'my wallet is behind the toast' and then when they ask 'why do you have toast in your pockets' i will pretend to go unconscious and the mystery of the toast will bother them for ever

squirrel

when your sad child points to dead and flattened squirrel on the road the only way to explain it is to say 'he didn't listen'.