lines

if i was a drug addicted geometry professor i'd spend my days getting fucked up doing spheres of coke.

hair

i was thinking that i could take 2 empty toilet roll tubes and use them as a template when i shave. i would place them on my face and shave around them that way i could make facial "pig tails." i'm a big fan of pig tails on chicks' heads. I find them rather sexy and i don't see why facial pig tails on me wouldn't do it for the ladies.

if i grow them long enough it might even help with my balance.

mime

give a mime a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a mime to fish then bury him in the woods.

trees

when i was a kid i used to like climbing trees. one time when i was in the tree i watched this trail of ants walking along the branches. they were getting food and bringing it back to their nest. i thought the whole thing was pretty amazing but nowhere near as amazing as a pack of matches. i can still remember the smell.

beach

I’ve never been to a nude beach but have used the excuse that I thought I was at one.

tapper

There was a man on the bus who was tapping his forehead. He was doing it for about a minute and he appeared to be doing it as a means of relaxation. It looked like fun and made me want to tap his forehead too.

scrub

On exfoliating scrub would it be too hard for them to write 'do not use on anus' or 'what to do if anus exfoliated'. .

cows

I think it would be a good idea to let cows parachute and sometimes I think we could forget to put a parachute in the bag and then when the cow falls to the earth and dies we could eat it.

positive

No matter how bad the day is going it's important to remain positive. It’s important to think positively. Stay focused. Stay positive. You will get rid of the body.

touch, touch, touch, touch, touch, touch

-Obsessive compulsive anonymous meetings are much like AA but instead of 12 steps to recovery there's only one and you have to keep repeating it over and over again

maps

In Hollywood they sell maps to the locations of celebrities homes. This is one of the million reasons why I admire animals. Animals don’t care about this sort of shit and if they do you can kick them and no one would know the better.

beer

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

gum

I used to like it when I would find a piece of gum on the sidewalk and there would be hundreds of ants on it. I could watch those ants for hours. Well that's how the debate went in my head. 'I could watch those ants for hours or I could get the lighter fluid'.

nachos

You know what I love? I love a big plate of nachos with cheese, sour cream, and salsa. The works. You know what I hate? When I accidentally touch my cat’s anus.

cheese

the worst thing to happen to the cottage cheese industry was a single word. that word was 'discharge'.

hate

'in one ear out the other'. i always hated that saying. maybe it's because i have 2 ears.

blank

sometimes when i'm trying to think of something and my mind goes totally blank i like to consider it a moment of silence for all the beers that i have drank.

swine flu, bird flu, monkey virus, sars, west nile, east nile, bird cock virus, donkey dick virus, cow tongue virus, bat droppings in your cola virus, giraffe licked your windshield at the zoo virus, elephant took a massive dump and you laughed virus, police horse shit on the road virus, stuttering parrots virus, squirrel in my garbage virus, pigeons eating cigarette butts virus.

it's all part of the big plan to reduce the line ups at the car wash.

booze

alcohol is only a temporary solution to your problems. which is why I use it for my temporary problems.

proof

if the proof is in the pudding is the proof pudding?

i like

i like to carry 2 pieces of toast in my pocket at all times. just in case i get into a serious accident and when the medics are going through my pockets for my id i can say 'my wallet is behind the toast' and then when they ask 'why do you have toast in your pockets' i will pretend to go unconscious and the mystery of the toast will bother them for ever

squirrel

when your sad child points to dead and flattened squirrel on the road the only way to explain it is to say 'he didn't listen'.