tea

i wouldn't do it for all the tea in China only because i don't have a big enough pantry.

beer

i went into the grocery store to buy beer. i picked up a case of 24. when i got to the cash the guy behind the counter said 'for the long weekend?'. 'no' i told him. 'for the love of it'.

midgets fuck em

you know that reality show about the midgets -'little people - big world'. well that show really gets on my tits. it's not the concept. i think the concept is pretty good. what bugs me is the family. their house is a fucking mess. there is shit everywhere. you figure that being so close to the ground that they'd be picking up more often.
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hobby

i'd like to make a hobby of going to job interviews but bullshitting my way through them.

interviewer -'so squirrel chaser, tell me about yourself, what you are all about'
me- 'well i learned a lot while i was in vietnam'
int- 'you travelled around vietnam?'
me' 'uuhh no, i was in the war'
int- 'the war? how old are you'
me- '33'
int-' well that would make it impossible for you to have been in the vietnam war'
me- 'are you saying that i went and did all of that for nothing, sure there were people screaming stuff but you never know who the enemy is'

another good time could be had explaining the gaps of time between jobs

interviewer 'so it says here that between sept 2002 and now you haven't been employed anywhere. what have you been doing
me- 'well i've had a few health problems that have kept me out of the workforce, i was bed ridden for 4 months'
int -'sounds serious'
me- 'yeah it was. horrible case of razor burn'
int -silence
me-' sure people come to visit you and bring you flowers and jello puppets but in the end they all want you to roll over and drop them so that they can get a look. some people are very insensitive'
int -more silence
me- 'the worst was last year. i was very sick. you know you hear doctors saying all the time that the worst place for a man to gain weight is around his waist as it can lead to numerous health problems'
int- 'yes'
me- 'well they're wrong. the worst place to gain a lot of weight is in the scrotum'
int - very very quiet
me -'lost my wife over that one. no matter how much i tried it wouldn't work'

go figure

grab a cane and a pair of dark sunglasses and you can fake being blind. throw on a pair of hearing aids and you can fake being deaf but walk into a lingerie store in a fake chicken suit made out real chicken breasts and feathers and everyone's suspicious

dream job

I always wanted to get a job working in a greenhouse. On my first day I would go in and turn off the climate control and then joke to everyone 'hey it's not like a greenhouse in here. it's like a regular room'. the
employees would all laugh and they would invite me to eat lunch with them and they would share their snacks with me. Near the end of the day I would go to the back of the greenhouse and talk to the plants and
train them to kill everyone.

random

if i had no eyebrows how would i tell fellow hostages to look up when it looks like one of the pigeons on the ledge is gonna shit.