willpower

billy lost his hands in a farming accident and everyone felt horrible for him. on the positive side he had tried everything. the patch, hypnosis but nothing got him to quit like those rotary blades.

pickles

sometimes it's impossible to open the pickle jar and it's at that moment that i believe that GOD hates us for what we did to those cucumbers.

elastics

today i got asked if i was bi-polar. 'i don't know what it is with you, some days you're up and other days i feel like i can't talk to you'. i smiled at her and said 'i prefer the term manic depressive'. i then proceeded to show her my black elastic band. the black elastic band is like the albino tiger of the tiger world. a rarity. i'm not sure where the black elastic band came from but i found it on the floor. it looks like the kind that is used to attach broccoli to other broccoli. it's possible that i will build a small little shrine for it to sit on and attach it to my cubicle wall. devote freaks, cripples and sick people will come from all over the world to get a glimpse. word will get out that the black elastic band cured a mans erectile dysfunction and also turned his erect penis into an excellent fresh water finding instrument. the man will return to his native land in the middle of the Sahara and will roam from village to village with his erection and lucky sweatpants finding water for the dehydrated and unbloated masses. with the fresh water they will build a factory that will make buckets so that they can make sandcastles and in those sandcastles the world's first fresh bread crouton will be born. 'it's like a crouton but soft'

cats

humans have invented millions of things. cats have invented nothing. well other than some device that gives them the ability to have fish breath when no fish has been eaten. sneaky buggers. i'm on to them.

my poo

i woke up at 2:30am. i was having a dream that i was taking a shit and sure enough when i woke up i really had to go bad. i was still in a half sleep state so i tried to sleep it off. you can never sleep off a shit. the contractions woke me up again and i knew that i either had to get up or risk shitting the bed. twice in a year would be a bad thing. as i walked over to the bathroom i doubled over in pain. i was having a baby. i began to sweat and did this slow walk into the bathroom. as my ass touched the seat i dropped it. it was massive and as it hit the water while still connected to me i got hit with another contraction and realized that this massive turd was acting as a cork for whatever else was inside of me.
sure enough as the massive one broke free the machine gun fire of shit shot out of me. my ass sounded like it was making popcorn. i grew faint and for a second thought that i was going to vomit. i thought i had food poisoning. it must have been something i drank. the shit just kept pouring out and as the pain began to subside so did the urge to vomit.
as i sat there on the bog i began to get cold. they say that when a spirit enters a room that the temperature drops. the same can be said when a 10 pound shit comes out of you. there was nothing good about it. the smell was vile. the carbon monoxide detector went off. as i became time to wipe i turned on the light and looked down. it was a sea of brown. it was the type of shit that deserved to be on the sidewalk. it was the type of shit that people needed to see as the walked to work, to breakfast, to church. it was the type of shit that only the maker could love. i named him harry.

plane poo

i hate taking shits on airplanes. it's not just because everyone knows what you're up to but because it's so hard to get all into that little paper bag.

aa

you know the one group that you never see have a float in parades is AA (alcoholics anonymous). you can almost hear the commentator say 'well the next float that should have been making it's way down in front of the booth was the local branch of alcoholics anonymous but for the 3rd year running they've failed to show up on time'.

i think it's time that the name AA gets changed. you hear people talking about it like 'i go to alcoholics anonymous' and the only thing that i can think is 'you're not doing a very good job of being anonymous i can see you and hear everything that you are saying'. perhaps it's