aqua velva
Dave was this big bastard
With only a couple of teeth left
To be pulled.
He told me that he had
Hung up the bottle
And the cigarettes
And that he was doing odd jobs
In the neighborhood
And some work for the church.
His brother was another story
He was frequently passed out
In the park
"I kicked him out of my place"
Dave said
"I woke up one morning
and was shaving my face
and when I put the Aqua -Velva
on my face, the shit didn't burn.
So I smelled it and it didn't smell
like anything"
"that's strange"
I told him
"yeah"
he said
'the son of a bitch had drank it"
I didn't really know what to say
So I just laughed
As Dave laughed.
'look' I told him
'I should get going, I have to get
dinner ready for the lady'
'all right' he said
and took off towards the church.
On my way home
I picked up 12 bottles of premium lager
Imported from Belgium
The label said that it was
"the most acclaimed of all Belgian beers"
it was no Aqua Velva
I thought
But it'd get the job done.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
last nights dream
"God receives lifetime achievement award - thanks himself"
Jan 26 2010
Making a very rare public appearance God accepted a lifetime achievement award from "The Universal Society for All Things Bright and Beautiful". In his (sic) acceptance speech God said " I would like to thank myself for this award without my all mighty faith in myself this would not have been possible", he went on to dedicate the award to himself. God has come under recent scrutiny for his alleged role in horse race fixing. In his speech he attacked those who have spoken against him by saying "sure I could make any horse win, i could even make a giant asteroid of acid hit the earth, but I wouldn't.my intentions have always been to benefit the universe and human kind. Why do you think I make animals look so cute". When questioned about the cuteness of alligators God had no comment.
Jan 26 2010
Making a very rare public appearance God accepted a lifetime achievement award from "The Universal Society for All Things Bright and Beautiful". In his (sic) acceptance speech God said " I would like to thank myself for this award without my all mighty faith in myself this would not have been possible", he went on to dedicate the award to himself. God has come under recent scrutiny for his alleged role in horse race fixing. In his speech he attacked those who have spoken against him by saying "sure I could make any horse win, i could even make a giant asteroid of acid hit the earth, but I wouldn't.my intentions have always been to benefit the universe and human kind. Why do you think I make animals look so cute". When questioned about the cuteness of alligators God had no comment.
falling down
i was on my way out and as i went down our stairs i saw this lady on the road pulling herself up. as i walked over i could tell that she wasn't doing too well.
'are you ok' i asked her.
'no' she said 'i banged my head. there's black ice over there'.
i didn't know what race had to do with this but i figured her head was in a bad way.
'do you need help?' i asked. her eyes were all watery and her jacket was covered in slush.
'no, no. i think i'll be ok' she said.
'ok then' i said 'i hope you feel better'.
as i walked away i began to think about what i would have actually done if she said that she needed help. i guess i could have brought her home and made her a cup of tea and gave her a bag of frozen peas for her head. i think it would have been a very awkward situation. it's always weird having a stranger in your house and even weirder being in a strangers house. then there would have been that really awkward moment when she asked 'why do you have so many chainsaws?'
'are you ok' i asked her.
'no' she said 'i banged my head. there's black ice over there'.
i didn't know what race had to do with this but i figured her head was in a bad way.
'do you need help?' i asked. her eyes were all watery and her jacket was covered in slush.
'no, no. i think i'll be ok' she said.
'ok then' i said 'i hope you feel better'.
as i walked away i began to think about what i would have actually done if she said that she needed help. i guess i could have brought her home and made her a cup of tea and gave her a bag of frozen peas for her head. i think it would have been a very awkward situation. it's always weird having a stranger in your house and even weirder being in a strangers house. then there would have been that really awkward moment when she asked 'why do you have so many chainsaws?'
an old post
i was on the subway this morning. my head was down and into a book when all of a sudden i heard a familiar splashing sound. i turned my head and sure enough it was a girl vomitting. a real chunder. she was chunderstruck. the vomit just poured out of her. at first it was all chocolate milk but then i spotted diced tomatoes. those rumours of a tomato cereal might just be true.
i felt bad for the lass. she was obviously an inexperienced public vomitter. when round 2 hit she crouched down to reduce the splash but this one hit with good force and the shrapnel hit some shoes. i looked around and saw a few people look like they were going to add to the pile. vomit doesn't bother me so i found the whole thing rather funny and as i looked into my bag for something to give to the girl (maybe a runny egg or a rotting pigeon) she unleashed a 3rd chunder. it was massive. it was beautiful.
as the subway stopped at the station she ran out. all of us looked down at the pile. i think i nodded in approval. one man frowned. a lady sat with her hand over her mouth. when the new passengers got on they were all unaware of the giant chocolate milk and tomato vomit swamp. some stood in it squashing up the tomatoes real good. monday was off to a cracking start.
i felt bad for the lass. she was obviously an inexperienced public vomitter. when round 2 hit she crouched down to reduce the splash but this one hit with good force and the shrapnel hit some shoes. i looked around and saw a few people look like they were going to add to the pile. vomit doesn't bother me so i found the whole thing rather funny and as i looked into my bag for something to give to the girl (maybe a runny egg or a rotting pigeon) she unleashed a 3rd chunder. it was massive. it was beautiful.
as the subway stopped at the station she ran out. all of us looked down at the pile. i think i nodded in approval. one man frowned. a lady sat with her hand over her mouth. when the new passengers got on they were all unaware of the giant chocolate milk and tomato vomit swamp. some stood in it squashing up the tomatoes real good. monday was off to a cracking start.
fate
out there somewhere there's a woman that finds dandruff incredibly sexy and soon she will fall madly in love with a man who shouldn't be wearing black.
Monday, January 25, 2010
nice
it's ok to say to someone 'have a nice day' or 'have a good lunch', 'have a great weekend', 'have a great night out' but as soon as you run into someone in the bathroom and you tell them 'have a good shit' you've apparently crossed some line. or so the human resources dept says.
jar
sometimes it's impossible to open the pickle jar and it's at that moment that i believe that GOD hates us for what we did to those cucumbers.
