when ever i see the words 'new and improved flavour' on packaged goods my only thought is 'people thought this was shit'.

dog

As we were driving home my daughter spotted a dog on the street squatting and taking a shit. I'm not sure if it was related but a few moments later she wanted a muffin.

book

i've been reading this book on personality types. it's rather interesting. it's a tool to help you understand people and deal with different personality types. i'm hoping that the book will come in handy for my morning commute the next time I am on the jam packed subway and that if i am faced with a situation that is rather confrontational that i can diffuse it by smashing the book across someones face.

wash

i bought this body wash. their logo is 'the eye opener'. after this mornings shower experience i think they should rewrite it to 'the eye opener except when you get it in your eyes. then you will be temporarily blinded and it will burn like a salt laced q-tip in the urethra of your penis. you may scream. you may fall down and bang your head on the faucet of the shower. your dick will clog the drain and the tub will fill up eventually flooding the bathroom. the water will flood the room making the floor collapse. the tub will crash through landing in the bathroom of the downstairs neighbors who are having sex with a poodle named Gary. when you wake up you will be tied up in a cage in your neighbors basement. they will call you 'slave boy' and the only thing they will feed you is rice krispies and you hate rice krispies cause they remind you of maggots'.
that would sell a few bottles.

dose

i was looking at the new $20 bill. it has all kinds of holograms on it.
'i feel like i'm on acid' said the missus
'i am on acid' i told her
'i knew it' she said.

i didn't say a word. i pretended that i didn't hear what she said. she must have seen me have that conversation with the toilet plunger.

nozzle

i like those cake decorating nozzels. you know the kind that you put on the end of a tube of icing to make fancy icing things. sometimes i wish i had an asshole with a built in cake decorating nozzle. i could take incredibly decorative shits. i wouldn't flush them. people would walk into the stall and see the shit and be disgusted and then they would say 'wow a rose'.

fromage

i bet when the cheese grater got invented the profession of incredibly fine cheese chopper became extinct.