taxi

i was in the drug store last night and this girl came in and said 'there's an old lady outside. she's been waiting for a taxi for 20 minutes can someone call one for her'. I felt bad for the old lady. It was a cold and windy night. I thought about going home and getting my car and driving her where she needed to go to. Then I got worried that she might think that I was a criminal and that I wanted to rob her and that maybe she would have a heart attack in my car and die. It was such a horrible thought so I decided that it would be best if she died in the taxi instead.

dog holmes

I used to have a dog with a really big penis. Some of my friends had this theory that it got so big because he was able to lick himself. I had a theory that it had something to do with dog saliva but I proved that wrong and made sure not to tell anyone.

in the door

it's sad state of affairs when you see a mentally retarded guy with his bag stuck in the subway door and no one rushing to help him. As I stood there with my foot jammed in the door trying to pry it open I wondered what was wrong with the world. How could no one help this poor guy? What was even more surprising was later on as I went through his wallet seeing how much money a retarded guy walked around with.

thinking of doing stand up. would you come?

i told my neighbor that i was going to kill his roommate. It was a fair statement. The red mist took over and i wanted to smash his head against the brick wall. Then make pancakes. I had a craving for syrup.

everyone things i'm dead. it was just a weird 2 months with an iguana named Betty

drug store

there's something about the drug store on a friday night
the lonely ladies buying 10 bars of soap for $3 and cheap cat food
the dreamers with their lottery tickets and oversized condoms
the time killers reading the magazines
the kids crying for chocolate
the cure seekers with $75 skin creams
the bleeders buying tampons
the wet people caught in a freak downpour trying to justify $10 for an umbrella
the health nuts with strange orange glows mulling over protein powders
the crazies looking for a refill
the big shitters with all that toilet paper
the obsessive compulsives with their cleaning products
the diabetics with 10 bottles of soda
and then there's me
fitting into all of it.