'imagine if you were the first pregnant man' she asked me. 'I would be 2 things' I told her. 'huh' she said. 'I would be the first pregnant man and the first man to have an abortion'. the world would hate me.

why

i had a friend growing up and whenever i would go over to his house his mother would tell me to take my hat off. i used to wear a backwards baseball hat all the time. his mother thought it was wrong to wear a hat in the house. the weird thing was that we never had to take off our shoes.

politically correct

ear wigs are like midget lobsters. sorry i mean little lobsters.

confession

when i was 19 i had this job at a gas station. i knew fuck all about cars. they would come in and say 'fill it up and check my oil'. i would look under the hood and most of the time i couldn't find the oil stick so i would tell the driver 'yeah you are ok'. sometimes they would tip me and i would feel bad because i had lied. i was a shit gas station attendant but i lasted the entire summer. on my lunch break i used to sit outside of the car wash and watch the people in their cars as the machines washed them. sometimes depending on my mood i would pray to god and ask him to kill them.

tough world

you fix an injured bird and people call you a hero.
you drive home from the bar with your kid on the roof of the car and you're the devil.

go figure.

true

doppelganger gang bangs. it's all the rage

plants

i talk backwards to my plants so i can watch them shrink