confession

i'm into auto non erotic asphxiation. it involves me sitting at the bus stop with a belt tied around my neck. sometimes i even feed the birds.

seagull fucker

fucking pigeons. barf eaters. always shitting on balconies and statues. addicted to french fries fuckers. always hanging out as a crowd. always dead and squashed on the road. always flying in circles like a stupid fucker. fucking pigeon. you and your seagull friend. evil white bird. chasing other birds in the park cause you're addicted to chips. big shitter. you need a make over seagull. no rich seagulls out there are there seagull fucker'.

another note from the aliens

i think when they say 'it's got a birds eye view' they should make a note saying 'excluding pigeons and seagulls as they are always in the park and alleys and their views are of garbage cans and strange homeless people skin conditions'.

a note from the aliens that i found in my room

notes from the aliens

- when a restaurant is closed for the night they put the chairs on the tables so that they can clean the floors. at first we thought they were playing a weird stacking game but we were wrong. in the morning when the restaurant is open they put the chairs back on the floor so that the humans can sit on them. the napkin holders always remain on the table with the salt and pepper dispensers.

end

'it sticks to the roof of your mouth like' and before she had time to finish i said 'cat food'. it was the beginning of the end of the date.

AQUA VELVA

aqua velva

Dave was this big bastard
With only a couple of teeth left
To be pulled.
He told me that he had
Hung up the bottle
And the cigarettes
And that he was doing odd jobs
In the neighborhood
And some work for the church.
His brother was another story
He was frequently passed out
In the park
"I kicked him out of my place"
Dave said
"I woke up one morning
and was shaving my face
and when I put the Aqua -Velva
on my face, the shit didn't burn.
So I smelled it and it didn't smell
like anything"
"that's strange"
I told him
"yeah"
he said
'the son of a bitch had drank it"
I didn't really know what to say
So I just laughed
As Dave laughed.
'look' I told him
'I should get going, I have to get
dinner ready for the lady'
'all right' he said
and took off towards the church.

On my way home
I picked up 12 bottles of premium lager
Imported from Belgium
The label said that it was
"the most acclaimed of all Belgian beers"
it was no Aqua Velva
I thought
But it'd get the job done.

last nights dream

"God receives lifetime achievement award - thanks himself"

Jan 26 2010
Making a very rare public appearance God accepted a lifetime achievement award from "The Universal Society for All Things Bright and Beautiful". In his (sic) acceptance speech God said " I would like to thank myself for this award without my all mighty faith in myself this would not have been possible", he went on to dedicate the award to himself. God has come under recent scrutiny for his alleged role in horse race fixing. In his speech he attacked those who have spoken against him by saying "sure I could make any horse win, i could even make a giant asteroid of acid hit the earth, but I wouldn't.my intentions have always been to benefit the universe and human kind. Why do you think I make animals look so cute". When questioned about the cuteness of alligators God had no comment.