dog holmes

I used to have a dog with a really big penis. Some of my friends had this theory that it got so big because he was able to lick himself. I had a theory that it had something to do with dog saliva but I proved that wrong and made sure not to tell anyone.

in the door

it's sad state of affairs when you see a mentally retarded guy with his bag stuck in the subway door and no one rushing to help him. As I stood there with my foot jammed in the door trying to pry it open I wondered what was wrong with the world. How could no one help this poor guy? What was even more surprising was later on as I went through his wallet seeing how much money a retarded guy walked around with.

thinking of doing stand up. would you come?

i told my neighbor that i was going to kill his roommate. It was a fair statement. The red mist took over and i wanted to smash his head against the brick wall. Then make pancakes. I had a craving for syrup.

everyone things i'm dead. it was just a weird 2 months with an iguana named Betty